My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
