i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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