"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
