Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
