Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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