My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
