i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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