Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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