final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
