I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
