My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
