I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
