Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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