I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
