I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
