these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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