My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
