It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
