I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
