My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
