oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
