Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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