There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
