you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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