well I can't set my house on fire every night
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
