She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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