she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
