Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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