she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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