remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
