i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he was CRYING into my vagina
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
