I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
