My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
