Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Is Oprah even human
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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