when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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