if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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