What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
