We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
