Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
