Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
