I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Dick very happy bro
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
