yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
