Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
