Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
