wrigley field is MILF paradise
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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