I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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