I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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