My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
