you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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