Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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