i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
