Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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