Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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