life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
