1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
