I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
