I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
