i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize