who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
