You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Why are your pants in the freezer?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
