if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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