i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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