I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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