The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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